‘What Are You, Chicken?’ ‘No – I’m Batman’

The Chicken Cluck. Why have those three words become a pet hate to me? I mean, a cat meows and a pig goes oink (feeling like a nursery teacher at this moment in time), yet I don’t dislike those noises? I’ll clucking tell you why I hate that clucking noise – because we humans use that noise now-a-days more clucking times than chickens! To imitate a chicken? Ohhhh no. For another reason – Fear. ‘What are you chicken?’ *Clucks aggressively like a hyperactive chicken*. Whether it’d be backing out from riding the Nemesis for the first time at Alton Towers; to ask out that girl you don’t dare approach or just because I said ‘No’ to something which for some reason required a ‘Yes’, The Chicken Cluck is an inevitable sound I receive to most of my actions. Honestly, chalk on a chalkboard, the banshee and the shriek of a Fell Beast (nerdy reference, but oh so relevant! ) sound more delightful than that clucking cluck. Cluck sake… why do I have to feel fear?

Readers, your friends may not feel the need to ‘dish out the cluck’ as much as mine do – maybe because it’s not needed? Or is it because this fear isn’t something that you haven’t done, it’s just an internal fear you keep to yourself? Yet, what do I know, I’m no psycho… analyst… thingimijig! Thanks to my loyal, intelligent friend known as ‘Google’, fear is seen as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. That sounds about right! In one way or another, we feel this emotion known as ‘fear’. Come on, man, get a grip! This runs through my head every time I feel fear – yet, why? Why does Ron Weasley so desperately wish that it could have been butterflies instead of spiders? Why is a clown, a goofy man with over-expressed makeup and a colourful afro, such a daunting concept to so many children? It’s something that we all have a problem answering, like ‘the chicken and the egg’ (everything always comes back to those clucking chickens… *dramatically shakes fist in air* why I oughta!). Whilst some feel it developed from childhood to become a part of our subconscious, other caraazy people think we were born with it. Born with it? My fear is of death… so I was born with a fear to die? How unfortunately ironic! Heights, spiders, you know the usual. However… some fears are just down right barmy! Here are my ‘Top 5… Fears?’:

  • Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – the fear of long words. Is now a bad time to be humming a certain ‘Mary Poppins’ tune in my head? Also, the fear of a long word is a long word? Good luck with that!
  • Pteronophobia – the fear of being tickled by feathers. Okay, whilst tickling someone with a feather is serious fun, the consequence isn’t quite so amusing – making them wet themselves. I mean, that is just another fear in itself – this fear just combines the two together!
  • Luposlipaphobia – the fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor. A tragic fear, affecting a staggering 0 people every single year. My heart goes out to you poor, non-existent people…
  • Venustraphobia – the fear of beautiful women. I guess this is a good thing – at least a man can’t be accused of being a ‘shallow, sexist pig’! Or a woman, if she bats for that team.
  • Pinaciphobia – the fear of lists. Wow… to any of those who suffer from this phobia, feel free to send me some hate-mail. Or thank me, I mean, I’m helping you conquer it here!

To be honest, I don’t know anyone suffering from these phobias. Probably because they’re not mainstream like spiders and heights – for all you hipsters out there looking for a ‘Counter-Culture Phobia’? You are most welcome. Yet, with a fear, I think the best mind-frame to have is one of Julius Caesar. Rather than ‘I came. I saw. I conquered’ – how about a more appropriate saying? ‘I feared. I cried. I conquered’. Adrian Horan, 2012 A.D. if ever you need to quote it in some work. Let me give you an example – Na na (This isn’t Rihanna, before I commence with this tune) na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BRUCE WAYNE. When he was innocently playing hide and seek with Katie Holmes as a kid, he fell into a deep, abandoned well. Okay, so child protection doesn’t appear to be a great concern in the Wayne household – but give me a minute, this is going somewhere. Down that well, he was surrounded by just one thing – bats (Batman didn’t start off as Adam West running around in spandex from day one, you know). To feel so vulnerable, surrounded by this formidable creature – he feared. After being pulled to the rescue by his Dad and comforted by Micheal Caine – he cried. However, there came a time when Gotham needed him to overcome his fear, to use it and in fact – conquer it.

I know that to overcome fear, the D.I.Y. method is a truckload of medication and some of the old-fashioned ‘hypnosis’ – but not all things in life can be solved through this. How did Neville overcome his fear of Alan Rickman? RIDDIKULUS! He made his fear into something light-hearted. He feared, I’m sure he cried, then he conquered it. Next time you see a spider? You scare it. Next time you’re being chased by timber wolves whilst wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor? Learn how to skate and glide gracefully around that table. As for you, chickens? I’ve conquered that God awful sound. You. Are. Clucked!

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