Food… Glorious Food?

Have you ever watched a ‘YouTube’ video recommended by a friend? You type the name into the search bar, each button press supplied with the lowest of expectations whilst your mind thinks ‘*Tsk* this sounds absolutely ridiculous! I’ve never even heard of it, it’s just going to be rubbish!’. Sure, the majority of the time it has been another ‘Hit Single Sung By Barack Obama Himself!’ or yet another adoption to ‘Gangnam Style’ BUT, there’s always that breakthrough every once in a while. My friend showed me, no, he ‘blessed’ me with this video the other day. I’ll just have to face that IT IS AWESOME! While initially, I expressed a great concern for these lunatics’ cholesterol levels at the risk of a heart attack thanks to ‘Bacon, Bacon, Bacon’ flowing through their system, after watching it for a little while that really didn’t concern me. These Gods among men decide to make the craziest things with what basically is strip after strip of that poor little pig (apologies to my vegetarian readers, I can’t ‘sugar-coat’ the fact that some animals were harmed in the making of this video – however, ‘EpicMealTime’ will quite literally ‘sugar-coat’ it for you). I sat there in awe with one thought running through my head, which was Wow… people can really do some caarazy sh*t with food!

Ever since poor, young Oliver Twist stared fear in the face (well, a morbidly obese master, to be precise) and dared to utter the phrase ‘Please, sir, I want some more…’, I’ve never been afraid to ask for that bit of extra food on my plate. Food, glorious foooood I hum to myself whilst munching the extra, spicy enchilada my Mum walloped onto my plate. ‘Kids in Africa don’t have food like this, don’t let it go to waste!’ was the guilt trip my Mum would provide us with if we didn’t finish our tea. ‘But Mum, if I don’t finish this enchilada, will you send it to Africa?’ – the excuse I used if I admitted defeat to a ‘full stomach’. It worked like a charm! Food is the stuff we eat almost every single day and think nothing of it. Yet, ‘food’ is a different concept to different people. Being a biology student, food is a source of nutrition for the human body. For a lot of ‘SuperModels’, food is seen as the enemy because Ewww food contains carbs, which like, make me look healthy and that’s gross. However, for all of those creationists out there, food provides a chance to make an art form AND you can eat it afterwards. It’s a win-win situation!

Amazing Food Carving

Personally? Yeah… I’m not one of them. I can barely scramble egg without the fear of creating a biohazard in my own home! Which is quite surprising, considering I’m a member of a fairly productive, baking-enthusiastic family. Everyone’s family develops their own, little hobby with which everyone can get involved. It may not exactly be every day (unlike the recent take over of ‘James Bond’ to be a daily programme on our tv screens. God, I just love Sky Movies *wipes joyful tear from eye*), but baking has certainly made its entrance into our household with styyyyyle. The women of our household, being my Mum and two sisters, always have a baking tray armed and at the ready if ever they feel the need to ‘start a bakeathon’. Brownies, flapjacks, pancakes, peppermint creams, cookies, chocolate cake, cheesecake *pants exhaustively*. This list I’ll end there, for your own safety! It amazes me how you can just start off with just a few ingredients like eggs and flour and end up with something that expresses both your creativity and ability. Hopefully some of my readers have taken this same route? Tell me the barmier than barmiest thing you have ever baked or cooked from scratch in the comments below! I’ll applaud you extensively if it beats the ‘Flying Mangoes’ in the above picture. I now hope you’re feeling special thanks to that remark.

Whilst food can challenge the senses like nothing else can (particularly parmesan. Man, that thing can gas out a room if it tried!), some foods really do not appeal to any senses. At all. There’s always that dish that may be good for you/may not be bad for you, but we don’t particularly enjoy to eat it. For me, it’s a bit like the news – I’ll happily watch it as it is informative for myself BUT, I wouldn’t exactly be putting BBC Breakfast on ‘series link’ any time soon. That food, is porridge:

porridge recipe

Porridge. Even the word sounds boring to pronounce! It looks boring, taste even more boring on the boring scale. Sure, you can add ‘chocolate to tease the sense’, or some ‘fresh raspberries to enlighten your taste buds’. But, let’s face it, as the Australian saying goes – You can’t make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear. I’ll happily stick to my ‘Weetabix’ from this day forward, no offence, porridge. Yet, on the other side of this golden covered, chocolate coin lies our ‘pet food’. A food that regardless of new recommendations from friends, we still stick to making and munching this gift to our taste buds. For myself, that has to be ham and cheese toasties. Or Cham Toasties, as I take delight in calling them. Easy to make and even easier to eat. Every man’s dream! Well… Homer Simpson’s dream, anyway. Some of us like a challenge, after all.

But not TOO much of a challenge. Whilst someone took delight in creating the ‘Five A Day’ rule, I’d like to take an even bigger delight (mmmm ‘Turkish Delight’ *drools*) in creating the ‘Not So Five A Day’. These aren’t particularly bad foods. However, let me warn you in saying you should approach eating these foods with the utmost caution. You will thank me some day for doing so. Here are the top five foods that humanity really should take a second thought when eating them:

  • Candy Apples – ‘That dinner was delightful, Mum. It was so easy to eat and quite the treat, too. What’s for desert?’ ‘Candy Apples, dear.’ ‘*Sigh* it was good whilst it lasted…’ An apple covered in candy – nothing too complicated, right? Be warned, folks. I had one of these yesterday and it was certainly a mission and a half to eat this without having half of it stuck in my mouth. Good luck spending the next 7 minutes attempting to pronounce a syllable!
  • Sushi – There’s a certain mystery behind this. You look at a piece of sushi thinking, ‘Can I eat this in one go? It seems relatively small to do so!’ and then you face the consequences. Being just a few millimetres bigger than your mouth, you really wish your optimism hadn’t occurred to you when you have a difficulty of swallowing it.
  • Noodles – How long is a piece of string? A better question – How long is a noodle? Nobody knows! You could have one a few centimetres wide or one being double the length of your plate! If you misjudge the length, well, prepare to look like a fool when you’re slurping the entire thing up.
  • Lobster – Hard shell. Soft shell. Just which one is it? So, do I not eat this part then? I’ve never asked so many questions when eating one meal. I think I’ll go back to the chippy, it’s just far more simple…
  • Banana – Oh, don’t get me wrong. This is incredibly easy to eat. Peel the skin and eat – job’s a good’un! It’s just, well… your technique around others. The banana has a certain connotation, meaning you have to eat it like a gentleman/lady, avoid eye-contact with surrounding people and DO NOT touch the banana. Failure to comply with any of the above means you become labelled as a ‘pervert’.

Oliver Twist wouldn’t exactly burst into song at the thought of having to eat these foods. I certainly wouldn’t blame him! Thanks for reading, the difficulty with writing this post was to not create the impression that my BMI is dangerously high. I have a strange feeling that I have succeeded in not appearing like this:

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3 thoughts on “Food… Glorious Food?

  1. When it comes to the banana, I’d much rather think the people around me are the perverts. They are the ones “demonizing” (in big cartoon letters) that my snack is perverse because it’s slightly well shaped in a certain manner. Not mine or anyone else’s fault certain anatomy bits look like fruit.

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