I Got The Power!

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO – it’s a flying journalist in incredibly tight spandex!

This just about sums up how much creative, spare time I have on my hands; albeit, my photo-shop skills could do with an extra ‘spit and polish’! Lack of technical genius aside, THIS man/alien/thingamajig is, well… Super. He quite literally has everything I would want out of life. Despite coming from a completely different planet, he landed himself a job as a journalist to ‘bring truth to the forefront and fight for the little guy’ and a not-so-shabby girlfriend, whilst having powers like ‘heat vision’ and a buffer than buff can be buff stature for a body. I possess NONE of the above – why do the ones from outer-space get to have all the fun? *Humph* lucky you, Clark Kent. I casually just gave your identity away, Humanity 1 – Krytonians 0! For those cave-dwellers who have not heard of this guy, this is ‘Superman’. Or as we common folk prefer to name him – a ‘Superhero’.

Whether describing my Mum having the ability to look after four, screaming toddlers at once or seeing one of my friends solve a ‘Rubix Cube’ faster than is humanely possible, I have used the term ‘Superhero’ quite freely in my daily life. Yet, what exactly is a ‘Superhero’? Well, *flicks open dictionary*, ‘super’ is the idea of being very good or excellent; whilst a ‘hero’ is someone who is admired for courage or noble qualities. If my addition skills are up to scratch, a ‘Superhero’ is an excellent person who is admired for courage or noble qualities. Considering my first two examples, I must have ‘hit the nail on the head’, right? Ohhh how I am wrong. I think my logic needs a good seeing to! What a ‘Superhero’ really is is someone with extraordinary powers shouting comments like ‘Holy haberdashery, Batman! ‘ and ‘Up, up and awaaaaaay!’. *Facepalm* All cringe-worthy exclamatives used by these above average crime fighters. Sometimes it baffles me why society admires these fictional, dysfunctional characters. As a mainstream part of today’s culture, they have a place where they deserve the connotation of  ‘super’ in their title. Personally I feel that real, inspirational members of our society deserve that accolade in their job description. Whether that be teachers, soldiers or paramedics. I mean, have you seen ‘Casualty’? Man… those people make Spidey’s job like a nice, breezing stroll through a park! As humans, we don’t need the ‘super’ to do the heroic thing – as long we apply our morals and intuition correctly, who needs to be soaked in a tub full of radioactive waste? *Tsk* I think I’ll decline that tempting offer.

Just like a recently published piece of ‘Mummy-Porn’ (I think we both know what I’m referring to), ‘Superheroes’ seem to be a concept on everyone’s mind and is a great topic of conversation if, well… the weather isn’t enough to break the awkwardness! Not so much about the realistic stuff; such as ‘Why on earth would Bruce Wayne use a Lamborghini, of all of God’s wonderful creations, to stop an oncoming van?!’ or ‘How many shirts does Peter Parker rip through in one day?’, but more so that we wish to become these fascinating beings. Just to have a bit of that glory that they get from stopping an armed robbery with about as much effort as I need to open a jar of jam. No matter how old you become, no matter how much you develop your maturity, you always have that same conversation:

‘So what Superhero would you be, Tim?’ ‘Gee, I dunno, John, I’d want to have a really cool name and have awesome powers, like invisibility and super speed!’

*Ahem* All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Despite this being always being the same conversation, it’s the end that’s different every single time. Hopefully me and my friends aren’t the only ones who occasionally have this conversation. If so? We really need some new, less nerdy small-talk. Anyway, we always struggle to think what would be a good set of have criteria to have and what set of ‘kryptonite traits Superman wouldn’t even touch with a barge pole’ would be! LOOK NO FURTHER, as Adrian Horan presents ‘The Dos and Don’ts of Being a Superhero!’:

  • DO have incredibly rich parents – they will benefit your cause for achieving justice more than you can believe.
  • DON’T have the ability to read minds. This will become useless when fighting crime AND… some thoughts are best left alone. *shudder*
  • DO have ‘super-strength’. You’ll be able to defeat villains with ease, you’ll win every single arm wrestling contest you enter AND you’ll certainly pull on a ‘Lad’s Night Out’ thanks to Ze Gun Show! *Flexes biceps*
  • DON’T have your abilities granted to you through a ‘Christmas Cracker’. No good shall come of it – just stick to those radioactive bugs, kids.
  • DO have a bad-ass ‘Superhero Voice’ – no one wants to be saved by a caped crusader with a voice like ‘Squeaky-Voiced Teen’.
  • DON’T wear a snazzy suit when roaming the city streets. Chances are you’ll have to rip straight through it when faced with crime, ultimately ripping a hole straight in your finances.
  • DO have the ability to fly – the offense, that is ‘public transport’, will be a thing of the past.
  • DON’T wear a tight, spandex for your costume. ‘Nuff said.

For all those considering a career in being a ‘Superhero’ (you need help, my friend), follow these rules and you should fit in just fine! But remember, ‘With great power, comes great responsibility’ so think carefully next time you use your invisibility to scare the hell outta’ your friends as a ‘G-g-g-g-ghoooost!’. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this post as much as I have had writing it – but my homework awaits and I must be called to finish it. To the study room, Adrian!

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